Kedar’s log 2008..

Although I don’t believe such a thing exists on a scientific level, here are some symptoms I can imagine.

Consider yourself in a mid-life crisis if -

• You are getting nostalgic about the past lately
• You think cutting your hair short makes you look younger
• You think tight T-shirts suit you better
• You get unusually happy when you buy from Forever-21 or American Eagle or Hollister or Abercombie.
• You start believing in stories of young girls dating married old men
• You say you don’t remember your age on your birthday
• You start becoming ambiguous about your age in general - you prefer to use floor() instead of round() on your age. You fight with all your liar’s might to stay below 40.
• …..

My friend Troy has contributed more to this list… his list follows:

• You just bought a motorcycle
• You start working out, because you think it might be your last chance to actually be fit
• You are more motivated to finish your projects before your mental faculties deteriorate or you get too lazy
• You find sites like Facebook annoying because you don’t want to keep up with the latest tech fads all the time
• You realize you’re closer to 40 than to 30 and are momentarily disturbed by that thought

Thanks Troy for your contribution!

Yesterday I saw a really horrible video about how pigs get tortured on one pig farm. It was just outrageous the way those people treated the poor animals. I am not any animal activist or any kind of activist really. But to see this kind of behavior makes me think about my own non-vegetarianism.

An extreme effect of seeing something like this is really thinking about whether or not, the fact of me being a non-vegetarian, sort of encourages such practices. After all, it is for people like me that those animals get there to be slaughtered, even if not always tortured. I understand the dynamics of mass production and all kinds of practices which could also be considered as cruel to animals even though they legally may not be so. Setting those aside, however, certainly just the high demand should not cause this kind of treatment of animals? What kind of a person gets pleasure out of torturing helpless beings for nothing?

I know I am not in my kindergarten. And I know there are a lot of sick people out there in the world, and you hear about them in the news all the time. You keep ignoring because you can’t do much about it anyway. One also understands as one gets older that no matter what books or our religious leaders might say, life is NEVER fair. Not everybody pays for what he inflicts on someone else. In fact, the laws of modern society treat the guilty more humanely than how the their victims got treated. And I think this imbalance is hopelessly going to grow - the crimes get worse and more horrifying, and the society continues to become more and more considerate to people who committed those crimes rather than being considerate to the people who mercilessly suffered at the hands of these criminals.

Where does that leave animals? At the lowest end of the justice system I guess. Nature allows killing, but for survival and food, not for sadistic pleasure. We are told from our childhood that God is watching over whatever you do.. and in your adult life, you realize that that’s not so true, God is not a policeman.. ‘coz if He was one, such things would never happen. There are clever arguments to counter this conclusion when people say everybody gets what he is destined to get or that this could be the result of their actions in the past life. If you ask me, that is simply not true…

I am sure the justice in this case will be less than 1% fair to what those animals went through. And there is nothing that can change it. Call that destiny if you wish…

One of my most favorite scenes in a movie is the animated sequence in ‘Time Machine’ where the whole world changes around the house - from this point in time to millions of years in the future. You see the house getting older, then collapsing and things just keep happening around it, wars get fought, climates change, landscapes change, new people appear, all kinds of things happen.. all at the same location.

It kinda’ puts certain things in perspective in my opinion. The things we are so passionate about.. I am this, I am that, this is my house, my car, this is where I belong, this land is mine, .. is so short lived. Nobody even knows you existed at that location on earth in a few years. If one just thinks about it, all the great people in the history, walked the same earth that we are walking on now which was walked on by Dinosaurs some millions of years ago. I mean, where does that leave a single human being?

This is bad! I don’t like it. With all the intelligence and arrogance in the world, individually, we are a nobody……. until we learn how to time travel!

Bill Gates stepped down last week from day to day operations at Microsoft. During the last 10 years or so, several people in the world have developed a love-hate relationship with him - for various reasons, maybe the strong monopoly he has enjoyed for so many years, maybe the riches he has earned, maybe they really see some real unbiased problems with whatever comes out of Redmond - who knows? I was never a Microsoft employee nor do I idolize Bill Gates (although there is nothing wrong in that if I would), so what I say here is my *fair* assessment of the whole “I-hate-Microsoft-and-Bill-Gates” syndrome I have observed in the tech community.

I have gone from being a 100% Windows user on the personal front, with Unix (System V + Solaris) and Windows personality at work, to, still being a, Windows and now Mac OS X person with shades of Linux on the personal front and a Linux+Mac OS X personality at work. I have completely switched over to Mac at work mostly because I wanted a change and I had heard Mac users boasting about Mac all the time and Linux isn’t so much of a day-to-day OS IMHO. I did like Mac for its style, quicker startup/shutdown times and its closeness to Unix. And I do understand, that many of the ideas everyone got used to, in Windows, came from Mac.

Having clearly stated my background, now let me say what I think about Bill Gates..

A person like Bill Gates, who works really hard when the other boys were partying, who thinks about his vision of the world ahead of everyone else, takes up challenges, tackles all kinds of problems, believes in his ideas and opinions, creates something and manages to be successful like no other in the world.. In the process, he brings about an explosive growth in the personal computing world - which I might dare say, is largely responsible for people being able to take interest in the work done by others to compete with Microsoft - such as Linux. It is sad that the world of competition, business and law, taints your success in this manner. And suddenly you become that person who everybody loves to hate. Sure, one would argue that it’s a price you pay when you become the world’s richest man.

I know people have used and liked OS’s such as Unix even before Microsoft. But needless to say, those OS’s never got mainstream. It may be hard to admit, but one has to acknowledge that computing is not and cannot afford to be a privileged activity of a handful of techies. If Microsoft dumbed your ‘oh-so-intriguing’ OS, then so be it. One has to appreciate the fact that it really brought computers to everyone’s doorstep in a way that they could use them without needing to be computer geeks.

I am a big fan of Unix and I have worked with Unix since 1990. Having been a computer programmer for at least 18 years and running, and having done my Bachelors and Masters studies in the same field, I can still see the value that Windows brought to the consumer. Yes, Unix is stable like a rock, has better command line interface, bla bla bla.. but give it to a non-geek, and I have seen it makes no sense to him. And it is not as simple as just having a GUI for it - because most Unix flavors have that interface now. It is simply not as intuitive nor it is easy to understand nor is it usable to that extent.

My point is, I have found faults and stupidities in EVERY OS I have worked with - be it Unix, Linux or Mac OS X. I have seen people ignoring or justifying idiosyncrasies of their favorite OS while being nit-picky with Windows.. What with people arguing about how it is stupid to be able to resize a window using any edge like Windows does, and how it makes *total sense* to be able to resize a window ONLY using ONE CORNER of the window like Mac OS!! I have actually found forums where people say this confidently! I find it completely insane, a bias of highest degree!

One of the main reasons I believe you find more faults in Windows, is because it is more widely used and (hence) abused. You know too much familiarity brings disrespect? Compare that with how many people really understand Mac or Unix or Linux. Put those OS’s in front of those many people, and they will get hacked into and finally ridiculed just like Windows.

I don’t dispute the monopolistic business practices of Microsoft - from Internet Explorer to Windows Media Player - all because they controlled the OS market like no other. And if I was the owner of these competing products, it would make me really mad. But think of it this way, I create an OS and start thinking that it’s my platform, my world and I can do whatever I want in it. This is a typical techie attitude. I will throw in an Internet Explorer in there, throw in a firewall, a media player… and I think I am providing everything that my users can get outside right here in MY environment. Now suddenly the world cries foul! Because my environment, over time, just became this open-to-all platform where I am not allowed to promote my own products. Sure, I can not be naive when I am running a multi-billion dollar business and I should understand these dynamics. I can just see how a techie would work in such a scenario.

Also, my objection is only with the whole bias thing. I think Bill Gates should get the respect he deserves and so does Microsoft. I have cursed Windows many times, when it crashes or if it gets slow, or when it does something really stupid. But I know I have had just as many reasons to do the same with other OS’s I have worked with. In the computer land, I don’t think anybody is a clear winner.

I think Bill Gates left a great legacy at Microsoft - one they should be proud of. A great success story does not happen because the man is one of a kind, it happens because the efforts are one of a kind. Leaving aside the legalities and technicalities, I just think the man wasn’t a gambler, he was a techie and even the possibility of any monopoly was created out of his efforts and not out of luck. He is surely not “Good riddance” as some of the internet pundits have proclaimed.. to say the least.

After my last post, it has been difficult to get back to blogging again. But as the title of this post says, Life goes on.. with or without you. And that’s a reality. Things keep going, worlds keep turning, good things, bad things keep happening. Only the beings who can witness these perish.. That’s how it has been for millions of years!

I have heard people going to preachers, religious leaders, teachers to find some peace of mind after they lose someone to death. I am just not that kind of a person, I think. I believe in God and I believe in Good people, but I do not believe anything in between. I can not even start to believe another person telling me about souls and heavens, when he himself is limited to this physical world like me! This whole arrangement of life is so tricky that a person won’t know what’s beyond until he goes there, but then he never comes back to tell it - if there is anything to tell, that is.

So on one hand, I believe, death is so fatal and final that man, in his desperation, could not digest the idea of it being pointless and incomprehensible. He probably could not understand how a person who is so alive and conscious, can just cease to exist suddenly. So he thought about a possible continuation of human life in the form of a soul.

On the other hand, however, it does feel strange that life could be just a chemical reaction. The cells stop getting Oxygen through blood, some chemicals get released and the chemical properties change such that these cells do not respond to any of the chemicals they used to respond to earlier? Love, dreams, joy, memories… are they just chemicals? Is it that plain, simple and boring?

I think this confusion is just beginning to sink into my mind now.. If only I can get this chemical - that I call ‘me’ - out of my system, I will be fine. But then, this ‘I’ is probably a chemical too…! If that can be removed, I will become a prehistoric humanoid who lived like an animal and then, maybe one could comfortably think about everything in terms of chemicals….?!

….but then, who will be there to think about anything??

Everyone comes to this world, with a handful of invisible sand of life and like the sand in a sand clock, the grains of life keep slipping away from our hand. Hardly does one realize when and how the sand he brought with him slips away from his hand..

My father passed away today (Apr 23, 2008) without hinting anyone or realizing it himself.. He was a heart patient for the last 22 years, disciplined to maintain a good diet and exercise. Really, nobody expected his sudden demise at 66. I am sure if God asked anyone, “are you done with your loved one.. can I take him now?”, almost nobody will say “Sure.. go ahead” - because you are never done with them… you think there is always a tomorrow. But in reality, there is no always.

All this time, I think I took the existence of people close to me for granted - even though I knew not to. I thought they will just live on and survive my own plans and dreams. But the world doesn’t live for you, it lives on its own and everyone in it lives all by himself.

I think about my father now and I just feel a lot older than yesterday. I feel my present fast distancing itself from my childhood… leaving me more and more on my own. I realize that there was a wall between me and some of the things my father dealt with and that wall was he himself and now it is gone. There is a certain kind of emptiness that’s hard to describe. Religion and Philosophy tell us that personal attachments are earthly possessions, but for a person like me with limited wisdom, his existence was the reality.

I think of all the memories of him right from my childhood days, when we barely had a camera to keep them alive. Now I record videos with my son and feel sorry that I could not record any of my life when I was a kid except for a few pictures. I see when I look at me and my son, that those are the first pure father-son moments - ones you can never remember by yourself because you are so young, yet ones that are so immaculately unpretentious.

Someone has rightly said - “Sons will always want to look up to their fathers, even though eventually they might physically grow so tall that they look down upon them..” I still remember the time when I was a kid and was traveling with my father in a ferry. The weather was rough and there were big ocean waves. I did not know how to swim and was so scared that I remember it even now. I could see the shore wobbling up and down, from a ferry that was being tossed around by ocean waves. I distinctly remember that my only hope was my father who knew how to swim, and didn’t seem to be afraid at all - at least not to me..

I always thought my father did not fear the things I did - fear of old toilets with no light, fear of lizards, fear of ghosts.. I had heard stories about his childhood… true stories, may be a bit exaggerated by my grandma sometimes.. but stories that made some impression all the same. I believe, fathers are made out of such impressions.

When he died, I wasn’t near his death bed, in fact I was thousands of miles away.. Being his only son, I flew in to perform the last rites..

I know death and subsequent disposal of human body is an integral part of life. But it was the toughest thing to experience this first hand. I had never seen a lifeless human body, so up close.. and this, was my father. It was hard to look at his body, kept at a morgue, for me to come and cremate it as per the Hindu custom. The father I had played with in my childhood, father I used to talk to, and sometimes argue with, father who brought me gifts, and whom I gave gifts when I grew older, father who posed with us in pictures, one who used to get angry and fight whenever he saw injustice, father I read in his letters, saw in his persona, heard in his voice…. now.. covered from head to toe in a body bag at the morgue..

It seemed as though he didn’t bother anymore.. as if he was saying, do whatever you want with me now, because that’s not me anymore. Yet those were the very hands, those were the very feet, the very face which I still see in his pictures. What if he would just wake up, I thought.. and I can continue from wherever we left off..? That wasn’t going to happen.. People kept coming to visit, saying things that did not matter anymore, some crying, looking sad.. It was really strange.. I just sat there, staring at him.. and then finally we took him away… away from the house where he had lived..

It all ended on the cremation grounds. As per the rituals, I had to set the pyre on fire and lose everything that was once my father, to the eager flames.. In a few minutes, there was nothing but just the flames and the heat, I couldn’t see my father anymore.. The fire destroyed everything, burned it to ashes and next day, that is what I collected in a pot. There was nothing recognizable, nothing that could remind me of him.. just this hollow realization that my father, as I knew him, was no more..

My mind goes back to that day again and again.. for some strange reason, I feel closer to my father that way.. I know for the world as a whole, it doesn’t matter much. But I think about all the things he did in his lifetime, places he visited, people he made friends with and where it all finally ended.. I am sure I might still see something in his handwriting, wherever he worked during his lifetime, maybe a signature on some form, the letters he wrote, his name in hotel registers, visa forms, my birth record.. they all must be still out there, all over the place, all over the world.. till they too are not needed anymore and vanish.

Back at home, I was looking through a few old pictures, my father holding me in his hands when I was 1 year old, my father and I on the beaches of Goa, my father on my wedding day, in my house and then holding my son.. life comes full circle, I thought.

I am just a father now, and no son to a living father anymore…

…and it is strange, that this post just doesn’t feel complete to me, even after hundreds of edits…!

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There are a few mantras I believe I follow in my life. Just wanted to keep them all together. So I am starting a new post category today called “My Philosophy“. This is not something I have developed all by myself, rather, it is what I have picked from what I have seen around me. I will start this new category of posts by one of the mantras I believe in and then there will be follow-ups.

Many people don’t believe that. They feel hopelessly trapped in their life.
They do not believe they can go anywhere they want. Their options are
limited to availabilities. They consider what is available and discard
their choices in discouragement.
Other people believe that they can start from where they are and go
anywhere they want. Their options are limited only by their imaginations.
They consider what is possible and pursue their choices with vigor.

Have you been confusing availabilities and possibilities?

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Having said what I said about my breakup with Ms Windows and a new relationship with Ms Mac, let me just say now, in all fairness, that I do appreciate some things about Ms Windows now that were more right than wrong.. that doesn’t mean I am not going steady with my new soulmate, no, on the contrary I have totally committed myself to ‘her’ now. This is same as my iPhone rant.. you gotta love it but sure, it is not perfect - kinda’ thing. So don’t think I am trying to get out of this!.. not yet There are more things here that I like or am interested in than I hate..

1. Windows Explorer rocks (the views especially). The Finder views in Mac are plain useless. No hierarchical view, not sure whose idea was the column view ‘coz it sucks so bad.

2. Windows Alt+Tab is much better than Mac (sure they have Spaces and all that fancy stuff but the basic Command+Tab is really not done right). The Mac Command+Tab does not show all ‘instances’ of an application, say you have 10 Firefox windows open, you will see only one icon for Firefox. So if you want to switch, you either have to search in the task bar or use Spaces.

3. Mac OSX releases a JDK version with its own release so you can’t just pick a JRE/JDK from java.com and use it on your Mac. How stupid is that.. apparently Mac mucks around with the JDK before it let’s it live on its OS.

4. No central program registry: While the Windows DLL hell is horrible, it still makes sense to me to have a central Program registry like Windows has, after having spent quite a few wild night-outs in the Linux and lately the Mac land. So I do like the convenience of getting rid of everything by just deleting the app instead of going through an Uninstaller that does not install everything (!) as on Windows. However, not having everything in one place is kinda’ not that great. Sure Mac has the Applications folder. But sometimes, you download something, install, and the app is sitting right there in your Downloads folder. Then you gotta move it to Applications… that’s a bit lame.

5. Resizing Windows:

This is really a bad usability thing. Again, I thought Mac OS X is known for setting standards in Usability and UI design. This is honestly a mistake to have the resize hotspot in the lower right corner. I use an external monitor sometimes and if I resize a window there, and return back to the laptop monitor, this corner is out of screen and there is no way to resize sometimes because you can’t move a window above the menu on top and off screen.

Let me state here categorically, whatever Mac loyalists might say, but using any window edge (like MS Windows) to resize is absolutely awesome. Even if a window is off screen in windows, you can switch to it, press <Alt>, <Dn Arrow> (this opens the main window menu), press ‘M’ which selects the ‘Move’ option in the menu and then just use the arrow keys to bring it back to the viewable screen.

6. Application Support: Some of the simple things in Windows life are fairly difficult.. now look, I have dealt with Unixes before, so I am not completely that “stupid-windows-user”! But if you don’t use Mac for a real hardcore *developery* stuff then you won’t realize these hardships. But then, you couldn’t get too adventurous with Windows on the other hand - you had to follow the stupid way or hit the highway which I finally did

1. VMWare Fusion : Had to use Windows VMWare Workstation for creating a VM with 2 network interfaces. There was no easy way (even the difficult is just hearsay) to create 2 interfaces for a VM in Fusion..
2. Apache - mod_security : The amount of time I have spent so far without success just to get mod_security installed on my Mac is crazy! I found out about MacPort (package management system for Mac OS X) that potentially has a port for mod_security - http://trac.macports.org/projects/macports/browser/trunk/dports/www/mod_security - which allegedly has a variant for apache2 but everytime you do a “port install mod_security +apache2″ looks for and installs apache 1.3.7 and then the checksum for mod_security tar fails…. now how frustrating is that??
3. Enabling php5 for apache2, with mysql and pear support was just a port command such as - “port install php5 @5.2.5_3+apache2+macosx+mysql5+pear”

…there will be more as I get acquainted more…

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When you talk about lifetime changes, you tend to think about getting married, having a kid, buying a house, getting divorced.. well, you know what I mean I went for a change in my life recently with the same bit of seriousness, as I would for all of the above, and it makes sense that I call it a “Lifetime change” too…

The change was simply that I finally dumped Windows for a Mac after about 16 years! For the non-savvy and non-techni