Kedar’s log 2008..

After my last post, it has been difficult to get back to blogging again. But as the title of this post says, Life goes on.. with or without you. And that’s a reality. Things keep going, worlds keep turning, good things, bad things keep happening. Only the beings who can witness these perish.. That’s how it has been for millions of years!

I have heard people going to preachers, religious leaders, teachers to find some peace of mind after they lose someone to death. I am just not that kind of a person, I think. I believe in God and I believe in Good people, but I do not believe anything in between. I can not even start to believe another person telling me about souls and heavens, when he himself is limited to this physical world like me! This whole arrangement of life is so tricky that a person won’t know what’s beyond until he goes there, but then he never comes back to tell it - if there is anything to tell, that is.

So on one hand, I believe, death is so fatal and final that man, in his desperation, could not digest the idea of it being pointless and incomprehensible. He probably could not understand how a person who is so alive and conscious, can just cease to exist suddenly. So he thought about a possible continuation of human life in the form of a soul.

On the other hand, however, it does feel strange that life could be just a chemical reaction. The cells stop getting Oxygen through blood, some chemicals get released and the chemical properties change such that these cells do not respond to any of the chemicals they used to respond to earlier? Love, dreams, joy, memories… are they just chemicals? Is it that plain, simple and boring?

I think this confusion is just beginning to sink into my mind now.. If only I can get this chemical - that I call ‘me’ - out of my system, I will be fine. But then, this ‘I’ is probably a chemical too…! If that can be removed, I will become a prehistoric humanoid who lived like an animal and then, maybe one could comfortably think about everything in terms of chemicals….?!

….but then, who will be there to think about anything??

Everyone comes to this world, with a handful of invisible sand of life and like the sand in a sand clock, the grains of life keep slipping away from our hand. Hardly does one realize when and how the sand he brought with him slips away from his hand..

My father passed away today (Apr 23, 2008) without hinting anyone or realizing it himself.. He was a heart patient for the last 22 years, disciplined to maintain a good diet and exercise. Really, nobody expected his sudden demise at 66. I am sure if God asked anyone, “are you done with your loved one.. can I take him now?”, almost nobody will say “Sure.. go ahead” - because you are never done with them… you think there is always a tomorrow. But in reality, there is no always.

All this time, I think I took the existence of people close to me for granted - even though I knew not to. I thought they will just live on and survive my own plans and dreams. But the world doesn’t live for you, it lives on its own and everyone in it lives all by himself.

I think about my father now and I just feel a lot older than yesterday. I feel my present fast distancing itself from my childhood… leaving me more and more on my own. I realize that there was a wall between me and some of the things my father dealt with and that wall was he himself and now it is gone. There is a certain kind of emptiness that’s hard to describe. Religion and Philosophy tell us that personal attachments are earthly possessions, but for a person like me with limited wisdom, his existence was the reality.

I think of all the memories of him right from my childhood days, when we barely had a camera to keep them alive. Now I record videos with my son and feel sorry that I could not record any of my life when I was a kid except for a few pictures. I see when I look at me and my son, that those are the first pure father-son moments - ones you can never remember by yourself because you are so young, yet ones that are so immaculately unpretentious.

Someone has rightly said - “Sons will always want to look up to their fathers, even though eventually they might physically grow so tall that they look down upon them..” I still remember the time when I was a kid and was traveling with my father in a ferry. The weather was rough and there were big ocean waves. I did not know how to swim and was so scared that I remember it even now. I could see the shore wobbling up and down, from a ferry that was being tossed around by ocean waves. I distinctly remember that my only hope was my father who knew how to swim, and didn’t seem to be afraid at all - at least not to me..

I always thought my father did not fear the things I did - fear of old toilets with no light, fear of lizards, fear of ghosts.. I had heard stories about his childhood… true stories, may be a bit exaggerated by my grandma sometimes.. but stories that made some impression all the same. I believe, fathers are made out of such impressions.

When he died, I wasn’t near his death bed, in fact I was thousands of miles away.. Being his only son, I flew in to perform the last rites..

I know death and subsequent disposal of human body is an integral part of life. But it was the toughest thing to experience this first hand. I had never seen a lifeless human body, so up close.. and this, was my father. It was hard to look at his body, kept at a morgue, for me to come and cremate it as per the Hindu custom. The father I had played with in my childhood, father I used to talk to, and sometimes argue with, father who brought me gifts, and whom I gave gifts when I grew older, father who posed with us in pictures, one who used to get angry and fight whenever he saw injustice, father I read in his letters, saw in his persona, heard in his voice…. now.. covered from head to toe in a body bag at the morgue..

It seemed as though he didn’t bother anymore.. as if he was saying, do whatever you want with me now, because that’s not me anymore. Yet those were the very hands, those were the very feet, the very face which I still see in his pictures. What if he would just wake up, I thought.. and I can continue from wherever we left off..? That wasn’t going to happen.. People kept coming to visit, saying things that did not matter anymore, some crying, looking sad.. It was really strange.. I just sat there, staring at him.. and then finally we took him away… away from the house where he had lived..

It all ended on the cremation grounds. As per the rituals, I had to set the pyre on fire and lose everything that was once my father, to the eager flames.. In a few minutes, there was nothing but just the flames and the heat, I couldn’t see my father anymore.. The fire destroyed everything, burned it to ashes and next day, that is what I collected in a pot. There was nothing recognizable, nothing that could remind me of him.. just this hollow realization that my father, as I knew him, was no more..

My mind goes back to that day again and again.. for some strange reason, I feel closer to my father that way.. I know for the world as a whole, it doesn’t matter much. But I think about all the things he did in his lifetime, places he visited, people he made friends with and where it all finally ended.. I am sure I might still see something in his handwriting, wherever he worked during his lifetime, maybe a signature on some form, the letters he wrote, his name in hotel registers, visa forms, my birth record.. they all must be still out there, all over the place, all over the world.. till they too are not needed anymore and vanish.

Back at home, I was looking through a few old pictures, my father holding me in his hands when I was 1 year old, my father and I on the beaches of Goa, my father on my wedding day, in my house and then holding my son.. life comes full circle, I thought.

I am just a father now, and no son to a living father anymore…

…and it is strange, that this post just doesn’t feel complete to me, even after hundreds of edits…!

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Death doesn’t just take someone.. it misses someone else!

–Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet In Heaven)

There are a few mantras I believe I follow in my life. Just wanted to keep them all together. So I am starting a new post category today called “My Philosophy“. This is not something I have developed all by myself, rather, it is what I have picked from what I have seen around me. I will start this new category of posts by one of the mantras I believe in and then there will be follow-ups.

Many people don’t believe that. They feel hopelessly trapped in their life.
They do not believe they can go anywhere they want. Their options are
limited to availabilities. They consider what is available and discard
their choices in discouragement.
Other people believe that they can start from where they are and go
anywhere they want. Their options are limited only by their imaginations.
They consider what is possible and pursue their choices with vigor.

Have you been confusing availabilities and possibilities?

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Having said what I said about my breakup with Ms Windows and a new relationship with Ms Mac, let me just say now, in all fairness, that I do appreciate some things about Ms Windows now that were more right than wrong.. that doesn’t mean I am not going steady with my new soulmate, no, on the contrary I have totally committed myself to ‘her’ now. This is same as my iPhone rant.. you gotta love it but sure, it is not perfect - kinda’ thing. So don’t think I am trying to get out of this!.. not yet There are more things here that I like or am interested in than I hate..

1. Windows Explorer rocks (the views especially). The Finder views in Mac are plain useless. No hierarchical view, not sure whose idea was the column view ‘coz it sucks so bad.

2. Windows Alt+Tab is much better than Mac (sure they have Spaces and all that fancy stuff but the basic Command+Tab is really not done right). The Mac Command+Tab does not show all ‘instances’ of an application, say you have 10 Firefox windows open, you will see only one icon for Firefox. So if you want to switch, you either have to search in the task bar or use Spaces.

3. Mac OSX releases a JDK version with its own release so you can’t just pick a JRE/JDK from java.com and use it on your Mac. How stupid is that.. apparently Mac mucks around with the JDK before it let’s it live on its OS.

4. No central program registry: While the Windows DLL hell is horrible, it still makes sense to me to have a central Program registry like Windows has, after having spent quite a few wild night-outs in the Linux and lately the Mac land. So I do like the convenience of getting rid of everything by just deleting the app instead of going through an Uninstaller that does not install everything (!) as on Windows. However, not having everything in one place is kinda’ not that great. Sure Mac has the Applications folder. But sometimes, you download something, install, and the app is sitting right there in your Downloads folder. Then you gotta move it to Applications… that’s a bit lame.

5. Resizing Windows:

This is really a bad usability thing. Again, I thought Mac OS X is known for setting standards in Usability and UI design. This is honestly a mistake to have the resize hotspot in the lower right corner. I use an external monitor sometimes and if I resize a window there, and return back to the laptop monitor, this corner is out of screen and there is no way to resize sometimes because you can’t move a window above the menu on top and off screen.

Let me state here categorically, whatever Mac loyalists might say, but using any window edge (like MS Windows) to resize is absolutely awesome. Even if a window is off screen in windows, you can switch to it, press <Alt>, <Dn Arrow> (this opens the main window menu), press ‘M’ which selects the ‘Move’ option in the menu and then just use the arrow keys to bring it back to the viewable screen.

6. Application Support: Some of the simple things in Windows life are fairly difficult.. now look, I have dealt with Unixes before, so I am not completely that “stupid-windows-user”! But if you don’t use Mac for a real hardcore *developery* stuff then you won’t realize these hardships. But then, you couldn’t get too adventurous with Windows on the other hand - you had to follow the stupid way or hit the highway which I finally did

1. VMWare Fusion : Had to use Windows VMWare Workstation for creating a VM with 2 network interfaces. There was no easy way (even the difficult is just hearsay) to create 2 interfaces for a VM in Fusion..
2. Apache - mod_security : The amount of time I have spent so far without success just to get mod_security installed on my Mac is crazy! I found out about MacPort (package management system for Mac OS X) that potentially has a port for mod_security - http://trac.macports.org/projects/macports/browser/trunk/dports/www/mod_security - which allegedly has a variant for apache2 but everytime you do a “port install mod_security +apache2″ looks for and installs apache 1.3.7 and then the checksum for mod_security tar fails…. now how frustrating is that??
3. Enabling php5 for apache2, with mysql and pear support was just a port command such as - “port install php5 @5.2.5_3+apache2+macosx+mysql5+pear”

…there will be more as I get acquainted more…

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When you talk about lifetime changes, you tend to think about getting married, having a kid, buying a house, getting divorced.. well, you know what I mean I went for a change in my life recently with the same bit of seriousness, as I would for all of the above, and it makes sense that I call it a “Lifetime change” too…

The change was simply that I finally dumped Windows for a Mac after about 16 years! For the non-savvy and non-technical, this may sound trivial. But having spent almost every day of my life, for the last 16 years, in front of different types of computers, I think they too, deserve to claim a piece of my life.

You know, I have ‘dated’ a lot of them.. a weird one called ZX Spectrum back in 1988 that ‘claimed to be a computer’ with a Cassette tape (!), the oldie PC XTs, the ATs, Honeywell Unix terminals and many other Unix terminals whose names I have forgotten, the IBM mainframe terminals, PC 286s, 386s, 486s, Pentiums xxx, Dual cores… bla bla bla.

And I have seen the Operating Systems that control their behaviors, mood swings, tantrums - there was Unix System V, MS DOS 4, 5, 6, AT&T Unix, SCO Unix, IBM Mainframe OSs, Windows 3.1, Windows 95, 98, NT, ME, XP Pro, XP Home, 2000 flavors of Linux’s (!), Windows -2000, -2003, Mac OS-X, Mac Leopard..

So many of them, but I managed to stay loyal to one family throughout this 16 yr journey - the Microsoft family! I have dated many from that family, keeping the family loyalty intact for all these years! I have enjoyed the closeness, their popularity, their riches, and at the same time, have suffered at their hands, defended them out in the world, got embarrassed because of them, but still, at the end of the day, I came back to them - in their palace, to their kingdom…. And now this.. call it disloyalty or my mid-life crisis, but I finally realized that it needed to end.. I wanted out!

On that fateful day in the last week of February of 2008, I finally embraced a bright, slim MacBook Pro and flew away on my vacation to India. That’s when my love affair with the Mac started after so many stale years living with the Microsoft family. I had a few flings with the Mac family before but it was always too clumsy, since there was no committment from my side. And I used to always complain as to why someone did not ‘click right’ or ‘close their windows right’… I guess I never looked at their heart, which is made of pure gold - the Unix heart - one that holds steady..

And all those complaints, I realize now, were just because I was so brainwashed by the Microsoft family members! I didn’t have a voice of my own, nor was I allowed to think outside the Window! I was comfortable, because it was all too familiar to me - someone blowing their fuse anytime, not having anybody to depend on, always living in fear of losing everything you have.. I thought that’s how it is in a love affair - you know, being ready to sacrifice, giving, forgiving, undemanding.. And I didn’t realize when those love affairs changed into hate affairs.. I continued on as if I was married to the family and there were no divorce courts! It was as if, I had to go from one cousin to another in a predetermined manner…!

And then this day in February, I said to myself, that hey! you are not so old yet.. don’t give up. You will find a soulmate if you are committed to making this change. Linux was too complicated and couldn’t have been someone to go steady with. The only other option I had been eying all these days was the stylish Mac, the one I had complained about in the past like a fool. I poured my heart out in front of her and she was magnanimous in accepting me.

From that day, I began living my new life, accepting things that were minor inconveniences, adapting to the new way of life, new moods, new responses, all the while admiring the beauty of my new girlfriend. And I told myself, nobody is perfect.

I still live my life, there is still programming, surfing, storing, retrieving, shutting down, starting up, but it is just done in a different way.

After all, life is a way of living rather than the living itself! Everybody has one..

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