I remember it was a dark chilly evening.. I was lying there under the stars.. a mental struggle still brewing… but I was helpless.. An ambulance siren sounded in the distance and grew louder as it approached.. Within minutes I was being whisked away on a stretcher and the next moment, I was reading the names of hospital wards as I was being carried inside. Finally we stopped in front of a large door.. Through my lifeless eyes, I read the sign there.. it said – “Facebook Addicts”! And then, I was pushed inside, in that darkness… and that’s where my flashback started…
Three years ago, my colleagues introduced me to Facebook.. I had started Twittering just a few months before that.. but this was new. For some time, I stayed away but as it outgrew Twitter, I started frequenting it more.. and that’s where my story starts..
I am sure most of you have heard about Facebook! – unless you are one of the last remaining DNAs on Titanic..! Still living in the year 1910.. edge of the deck with your arms spread apart (with the titanic tune playing in the background)…!
Anyways, this Zuckerberg kid had created something really amazing.. viral as they say! Everybody was on it.. the whole world was beginning to talk through Facebook, and so I started too! Whether I was on vacation, stuck in traffic, frustrated with my job, .. I posted it to Facebook. I shared my deepest secrets with it, poured my heart in front of it..
Basically, I understood dramatization, blowing things out of proportion, making a big deal out of nothing. So when the coffee machine in the office was broken, I called that Apocalyptic! I shared my opinions with Facebook, opinions about everything – right from my pimple to a film star’s dimple, from my housemaid to the President of United States, from the stone that hit the roof of my house last night, to the comet that plunged into Jupiter..! And in a matter of few months, I became a successful Facebooker!
Facebook gave me uninterrupted boasting and advertising rights! And in return I got some “Like’s” and some Comments. Nobody could “Dislike” me!! And I liked that 🙂
I shared my crazy ideas, questions, hallucinations.. I tried to make it entertaining to everyone on my friend list! And after I got my iPhone, I suddenly got immense power in my hands! One day as I woke up in the morning, I wished, beds had robotic arms that could brush your teeth! Voila, thanks to my iPhone, I posted it to Facebook right that instant and all my friends chimed in with their ideas on top of that! It was almost like American Football.. one good post and everybody would pile on..!
Unfortunately I was not the only one with smart comments. One day, a friend of mine said he returned a toaster back to the store because it was too demanding.. its manual said, do not leave it unattended. And he wasn’t ready to make that commitment at this point in his life! And I think he got 50 comments and 20 Like’s on that.. I was jealous, now why didn’t I think of that….! 😉
I remember, Facebook once sent me a message to confirm my relationship with my wife, because she claimed on her profile that she was married to me!! So I had to verify and then click ‘Yes’ to legitimize our marriage in this new ‘marriage registry’! 🙂 I replied with another post, where I wondered about the possibility of getting multiple claims such as this. I can assure you, this was one of my most successful posts on FB!
Facebook continued to grow.. I saw husbands and wives communicating over Facebook! So instead of calling each other over the phone, they would send a pseudo-public message to each other over the Social network! Hey, even I used to fight that urge to talk to my wife over Facebook, even if she might be in the kitchen upstairs!
Things got so worse that I couldn’t appreciate any type of moment without sharing it with Facebook. I would be sky diving and I would want to Post it from that height, I would be on a roller coaster and I would take out my iPhone to take that picture and post it…. Sometimes my wife would beat me at posting the pictures on Facebook first, and steal the whole Comments show..! That would make me so mad.. It was a rat race.. but most of the times, I was ahead of the game with my iPhone and my dedication.
But, a lot of jealous people were lurking in the shadows…..
…It was a dark winter evening.. I was roaming in a park with my iPhone and, my family..! As usual, I was advertising on Facebook, that I was taking a walk in a park under the starry sky! My wife had given my iPhone a couple of angry stares already..! But I was a die-hard facebooker..
All of a sudden, there were police sirens.. and I knew it, I knew it.. !!.. my wife had called the Anti-Facebook Squad! I started posting frantically.. “Oh no, there are Cops all around me, they have guns.. “, “Somebody, Please, in the name of Facebook.. please help ME!!!.. “, “Please call 911“.. My posts kept going every second.. oh, if only I could take a video of this for Facebook.. God, this iPhone camera… Then there was a popping sound.. “Oh no! I am getting tasered!”..I posted. I was fast losing my sensation, but my muscles were addicted, they kept posting.. “I think I am dying.. “, “Please Help“.. “Please Help..“… “H. e.. l… p p p“.. As I hit the ground, my brain was still calculating – Wonder how many comments will I get on this one..
And then there was silence… the same silence that started all this flashback..
…When I got up, the darkness was fading away.. I sat up from my hospital bed.. Out of sheer habit, my hands reached out for my iPhone.. it was nowhere to be seen, they had taken it away from me.. I looked around.. it was a bright sunny day outside.. My wife was sitting next to my bed…. silently punching keys on her phone! ..Posting my latest status… to HER Facebook account…..!!!
…Our Facebook War had just begun….!
From that day onwards, I started building a new killer iPhone app.. one that would talk to a chip installed in your brain using radio waves, to post your thoughts directly to Facebook… This was the birth of “FyberDyne systems”!!! But, Apple’s App store wouldn’t budge.. they blocked the app..
..so the battle continues… even today…