I am going to tell you 2 stories today, and I hope to make my point in the process. The first story is of the days when I could openly disclose my age to anybody – when I was in my teens I mean..! It was a fine summer night, when I faced the truth for the very first time.. There on the wall, was the test to my bravery, a test to my being a man.. My father was out of town and I was the only one to face this ultimate challenge..! Now whenever I think about it, even with my 48 inches of frame at that time, I myself must have been a challenge to my challenge on the wall. But it didn’t feel that way in my mind.
..because, what I was staring at, was a no-nonsense live 5-inch-wall lizard crawling on the wall in front of me..
The women folks (- my mother and sister) were expecting me to get rid of it.. “Do whatever the hell you gotta do, just get it out of our sights permanently!”).. Man vs animal.. I sensed that rush of adrenaline and somehow remembered the Gunfight at the O.K.Corral, Dual in the Sun, the cowboys, the showdowns, the fast draws, the low slung holsters, you know the cowboys facing each other for a shootout.. [gestures] So who makes the first move.. the lizard or I..? We were armed too – I was armed with a stick and the lizard was armed with his ugly, repulsive self, which was precisely what I was chosen to destroy!
Life looked sooo unfair to me at that point, being a man.. I could not stand aside and be a spectator like my mother or sister could. I had to be the sinner, the cruel murderer and also the victim who would’ve to live with that memory throughout the rest of his life and sleep through the nightmares.
There was no choice….. I lived through that moment, the lizard didn’t..
From that day onwards, the man in me has had to step up to the plate and do the honors – or dishonors..! I never got used to it, but I could never get away from it either. The world was cruel.. it made me do things that IT did not want to do. It chose to be timid but did not allow ME the same luxury. It chose to remain clean, but made ME dirty in the process.. If there was a choice, I would’ve walked away from it all.. but the society wouldn’t let me.
Whether it was getting rid of the pests, or going in the dark to see if someone was hiding there, or opening the door if someone knocked in the middle of the night, or tell you what, we had this really old malfunctioning radio and once in a while it would give you a small electric shock off when you touched it.. so it was like “wait, let Kedar check if it is giving an electric shock today?.. what, am I shock-proof or something???”, or you know, lifting heavy luggage even though I probably weighed less than 100 pounds that time.. but I had to carry the heavier bag when my father wasn’t around, or letting my sister have the empty seat in a crowded bus even if I might have spent the entire day standing up, or just getting a blanket.. We used to have these family reunions when the number of people sometimes exceeded the number of blankets! Guess who was put on the lower priority list?…
on all these occasions, the man in me had to take the back seat.. !
Switch to present times, different house.. Country – USA, My role – head of the family, Situation – a mouse spotted inside the house, allegedly holed up in the kitchen pantry, Task – Remove everything from the pantry and look for the mouse, Spectators – Wife and a 5 yr old son who claims to be “super brave”.. No specifications were given for what to do after the mouse is found.. but of course, it was obvious.. I couldn’t have talked him out of coming here or bringing his brethren with him?!
By now, the situation is not new to me, the same adrenaline rush, the fear that has been denied an outlet, the fake bravery that gets called into action.. So, I open the door of the pantry… Now understand this, I have to appear brave not only to my wife but even more so to my son – who is the budding man!! I start pulling stuff out from the shelves, one by one.. I know the mouse is hiding somewhere in there, watching me, watching my every move.. from behind some bag of chips.. contemplating when to leap.. Every shelf I clear without the mouse jumping out, makes my face happy but worries my scared mind.. ‘coz it increases the probability of finding it on the NEXT shelf..!
I have my son feeling proud of seeing his father going after the mouse so fearlessly, my wife is admiring my guts as I pull out the things without the slightest bit of ‘visible fear’.. Just as I am getting downright reckless in my search.. something black falls down! Aaahhhhh! My heart, almost pops out of my mouth, but out of sheer habit, I don’t show it. Because, without anybody noticing, my senses have already made sure that it wasn’t a mouse.. I even managed to give my son and my wife that look of – “Got scared eh? Everything’s cool..”! … It’s not easy! Years of practice.. years of practice has gone into faking this bravado.. Anyway, the search goes on.
Thankfully the mouse has vanished.. or wasn’t there at all. But that saved me a clumsy moment where I would’ve been shit scared and acting brave at the same time..!
Later that night, my wife wakes up around 1 o’clock. She wanted some water.. Now nobody wants to go down in the dark ‘coz the mouse hasn’t been caught yet. So who should go?? Of course, ME!! Being the brave man-of-the-house, I have to venture out into the darkness of the kitchen to get some water… I come down.. I don’t turn on the lights, don’t want to disturb the intruder, you know, I don’t want to see you if you have come out, you don’t want to see me.. let’s just leave it at that.. kind of thing!… So I start tiptoeing across the dark kitchen… not knowing what lies, in that darkness………………
and I was thinking..
… yes, that‘s the price you pay – for being a man……………!
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