This is not funny!

Did anybody tell you that I am doing a funny speech today? Was it mentioned anywhere that it’s a humorous speech?? [Pause.. look around the room] ‘cuz tell you what.. I got news for you.. THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS, OK??

I am going to tell you about my PROBLEM and it.. is.. not.. funny!.. And I will tell you about it, as long as you promise to NOT give me one more solution.. ! Because, THIS [Showing the thinning hair on my head] is my problem!! Yes, my thinning hair, my impending baldness.. whatever you wanna call it.. Now do you REALLY think this is funny?? I betcha some of you still think it is.. I can see some of you smiling.. there! But let me tell you, you are way outta line here!

Go ask that person who has to watch this exodus of youth every day, ask that person who is in the shower every day begging to his falling hair not to leave him, ask that person who has lost all his interest in his pictures simply because all he sees there are his bald spots, ask that person who can’t afford to get his hair wet in public… Ask him, and you will see that, THIS is NOT funny! And that person.. is Me!

[The remedies]

My bathroom has become a Lab that my wife is running to conduct experiments on my hair problems! Yep, all kinds of Lotions, Creams.. but none of them are working.. My hopes are dwindling.. and my spirits are low! I think pretty soon I will lose all incentives to care for the shampoos and conditioners of this world! See, when you are the targeted audience for those “Before and After” type of ads, don’t you just feel like you are being manipulated? Because you can very much see yourself there in the Before side – because that’s where you start anyway – but you never seem to reach the After side no matter how much you try..!

It’s not that I have not explored other options.. One of the other options to this hair problem is just not acceptable to me. I don’t want to be balancing a wig on my head for sure. Surely the technology has advanced and all that, and it won’t just come off accidentally. But, that solution is off-limits for me. I mean, no offense, to whoever takes this approach.. whatever works for you!

I have even thought about taking the extreme step and going completely bald.. like many of the movie stars.. But look at me.. my personality doesn’t go with it.. technology has allowed me to extrapolate and show me how that would look on me! Steve Jobs once said, “There is an App for everything” – so there is an iPad app, called “Hairstyle Pro” which takes your picture and shows how you will look in 2000 different hairstyles and also in this one state of baldness! (umm.. quite an eye-opener it is!)

As far as hairstyles are concerned, I have this permanent hairstyle these days – and it even has a name – the “Hide-Your-Bald-Spot” hairstyle..! So basically you take the longer strands of hair from somewhere – assuming you have some, pull them over and adjust to cover the barren land in other places! And then you hope that it stays and does not get disturbed.

You know the problem with problems is that when you say you have one, everyone else around you becomes an expert and starts suggesting you things.. And then you, being vulnerable and all that start trying them out.. That’s where your civil liberties come under attack.. I can’t wear a cap or a hat because wife thinks the friction will cause more hair to fall off.. A simple thing like being able to get a hot shower.. Can’t do that.. Because, some genius thinks Hot water is the single-most reason for hair loss. So even in winter I am taking cold water on my head!

And then there are those statistical studies.. Yes, 95% of the people with hair loss were found to be eating Ice-cream. So studies show that Ice-cream is bad for your hair..!! Sure, 100% of them were breathing too… ? ?

[The Future of Human Race]

So where do we go from here? Did you think this is just about me? No.. You see, I always think about the bigger picture.. this is not just about MY hair or lack thereof.. Just think about it – what is in store for the future of human race? This is a global problem as newer generations are going bald at an earlier stage in their life.. As if it was not enough to have Global Warming to think of, we now have Global Balding problem.. Maybe caused by Global Warming..!!

Mark my Darwinian words! [Charles Darwin? Evolution? Humans came from Monkeys?] At this rate, pretty soon, maybe in a few hundred or thousand years, the Homo Sapiens Species will split apart, and a new Species will be born – called the Homo Baldians! Simple Genetics, Evolution!.. The descendants of the Blood Line of a few of us will genetically just break free, and completely free themselves from this Hair Slavery!

My question is if Eagles could do it, why couldn’t we, humans? Did they not come up with a new Species called the “Bald Eagles” to give their follically challenged brothers, a respectable existence? I know the name in their case is misleading, and they actually have the Gray-hair problem rather than the No-hair problem! But in any case, I am sure humans could come up with something along the same lines?

Do you think the females in Bald Eagle species make fun of their male counterparts over their Baldness?! Hell no! 😉 They must be going like, oh this bald is better than that one, so I am going with him! In humans, it is, oh this guy is bald, this one is balding, and this guy has hair, so I am going with him..!! I say why isn’t Amnesty International on this already? This, this is ‘facial discrimination’!! I want to see the human race reach this state, this state of democracy, and equality.. this state where even the bald people have a fighting chance! 😉

I do want to recognize the pioneering work done by the likes of Yul Brynner, Bruce Willis, Sean Connery, Vin Diesel, Andre Agassi and such.. They have proved that things can be “Bald and Beautiful”..

Finally all I had to say is that this is not funny.. we should come together as a race and think about it.. I mean we should respect the bald people and all that, but not as OLD people, but we should love them too.. c’mon ladies! Let’s get together and think seriously.. I was just raising awareness about it by way of my speech and I hope you don’t find it funny! 😉